Halo 4 Screwed Up Version
by Neptin The Sangheili
Summary: ah what should i say...random as hell and that's it Rated M for Strong Language and Mild Sexual Themes
1. The Retarded Prolouge

**Halo 4 Screwed Up Version**

**Prologue**

_Hello again peoples my name is Neptin Shumabe the Sangheili and welcome the fuck back to a new book. OMG I'm sooooo excited because i have new ideas :D_

_LeTs BeGiN_

_P.S. fi ouy nac daer siht tihs ruoy a gnikcuf larutan_

_P.P.S to start off i want to give a big thank you to the people who like my stories_

Well you guys probably think that this is going to have a boring intro as always.

Well I'm here to tell you one word about that...penis.

Anyways, obviously the Backward Unto Dusk is floating in space because of fucking installation 04B fuck.

Oh, Johnson died too.

For fuck sake the black guy always dies I mean come on people that's racist.

God dammit i'm going off topic again.

Okay before all that a random interrogator is interrogating Dr. Fucking Halsey and OH MY GOD she's old as hell.

"Tell me about the children." The Interrogator said while staying in the shadows because he's a fucking pussy to not show his face on camera.

He get's mad because Halsey didn't answer the question (fucking bitch just like Cortana).

She finally replies, "You all ready know everything."

He replies, "You kidnapped them."

Then she gives this retarded explanation, "Children's minds are more easly accepting of indoctrination, their bodies are more adaptable to augmentation. The result was the ultimate fucker...I mean soldier."

Holy shit John is taller than the other technicians O_O.

Halsey continued (for fuck sake), "And because of our success, when the retarded Covenant invaded, we were ready to kick some dickless assholes."

The Interrogator replies, "You mean the Covenant? Dr. Halsey you are bending history for your favor and you know it."

Skipping time of Halsey talking too much.

Okay a CAS-class assault carrier bruzer is hovering over the human city.

Dozens of aircraft flew out of the launch bay.

Banshees spawn in the middle of the city and Sangheilis jump in the Banshees.

Humans were like WTF and ran like grandmother fuckers.

Then randomly a sangheili drives his energy sword through a fleeing civilian (dumbass).

Then randomly Spartans fall from the sky.

They land and an Elite snarls at him.

All the Spartans flipped them off.

The Sangheili didn't even know what that meant but shot at them anyways.

The Spartans returned fire too.

Halsey replies, "Nobody gave a fuck then. My work saved the human race."

The Interrogator questioned, "Do you think the Spartans' lack of basic humanity helped?"

Halsey replies, "Da faq are you after?"

Blah blah blah something about sociopathic tendencies.

"The master chief is dead." said the Interrogator.

She replies, "His file reads 'missing in action'."

Interrogator replies with a laugh, "Catherine, Spartans never die."

Then she finally replies (thank God), "You mistake is seeing Spartans as military sex toys. My Spartans are humanity's next step..."

Then she stands up in cuffs, "Our destiny (hey that's a new game coming out :D) as a species. Do not underestimate them. But most of all, do not underestimate...that green shit."

Then somehow everything goes black and you can hear the sound of everyone tripping over shit because it's so dark.

_Okay guys I tried to make this as funneh and long as possible hope you enjoyed._


	2. Chapter 1: Dusk

**Halo 4 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 1: Dusk**

_sup my school's internet keeps being a bitch and plus since i'm a senior in high school more God damn homework so i'm trying to get to this but my popularity has gone down sooooo...i guess i'm thinking of quitting of writing or keep going on idk yet though so i'm still here for the time being :3_

Somewhere in space the Backward Unto Dusk has it's rear end torn off and now it can't shit.

Wait a second, it's a fucking piece of machinery.

I mean seriously why the hell did I type that.

Holy shit a lot of debris.

Basically it has been four years since the Dahalo Event.

When master queer blew up everything not giving a single fuck.

You can hear Cortana in the distance looping, "Mayday, mayday, mayday. We are UNSC Backward Unto Dusk. Someone fucking answer already."

Then a random orange glow starts going across the ship.

The scene changes to Cortana appearing, looking around, wonder what the fuck is going on.

Then Cortana decided to wake up chief just to piss him off.

She only did it for no apparent reason for the last few years just or fun.

Chief woke up finding out that the door is stuck.

Cortana said, "Alright Chief this is not a joke this time. Activating gravity..."

Everything that was floating fell on the floor.

Chief sighs, "Well, you have been busy. So, I ain't mad."

Cortana replies, "Holy shit really?"

Chief answers, "NO YOU FUCKING BITCH I'M PISSED!"

Cortana said happily, "Well its good to have you back."

Chief decided to kick open the cryo pod door.

Chief said to Cortana, "Let's get back to work."

She replies, "I thought you'd never ask."

Chief answers annoyed, "Well I didn't ask, but okay then."

Chief pulls Cortana out of that thing she always appears on (for fuck sake don't pressure me) and puts her in his helmet.

She replies, "We've got intrusion alerts lighting up on multiple decks. Our best bet to figure out who's boarding us is the observation deck which is four floors up."

Chief replied happily, "YAY! We got some asskicking to do :3."

The ship shakes violently.

Cortana answers, "Well it's definitely not a rescue team."

Chief was walking through several halls then a random question popped into his mind.

"How long was I out?"

Cortana answers, "4 years, seven months, ten days."

Chief replies, "What the fuck!? I'm so God damn old!"

Cortana sighs.

Chief entered the operations room.

Randomly an orange glow goes across the ship, it shook violently.

Chief questioned shockingly, "Da hell was that?"

Cortana answers quickly, "Sensor scan, high intensity! Doesn't match any known patterns!"

Chief replies, "Well, fuck!"

Chief killed a Sangheili, but I thought we were friends :,(

Chief and Cortana opened up the blast shields and OMG DAT GRAPHICS THO, but a Covenant fleet and a metal ball or planet.

I don't know where the other one is though (wink wink).

_5 seconds later (fucking hacker)._

Chief fired a missile at one of the Covenant ships.

It blows up (nooooooooooo really).

The metal planet noticed it and started scanning chief.

Cortana said, "Uh, Chief?"

Chief felt horny, "MMMMM that tickles."

The metal planet stops scanning and it opens up and everything started being pulled in.

Chief was about to do the dumbass idea and run back in the Backward Unto Dusk but he got pulled in along with the rest of the shit.

Then the title of the game appears and i'm like, "Piss."_  
_

_I hope you enjoyed. :3_


	3. 2: Another Planet To Explore and Die On

**Halo 4 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 2: Another Planet To Explore And Die On**

_yea...i think the chapter name is kind of too long WHO CARES THIS IS FUCKING HALO SCREWED UP VERSION BABY_

_p.s. Those of you people who read this I hope you guys have played the campaign or you wouldn't have gotten any of this._

Chief crash lands in the Unknown Forerunner planet.

He survives (Chinese person moment: IMMPOSSIBLU).

After a while of being knocked out.

Chief woke up and found a dead Sangheili on top of him.

Chief pushed the Sangheili off and said, "Every time I'm always knocked out on the second level. Anyways where are we?"

Cortana replies, "Checking coordinate impact data..."

Then randomly Cortana went into rampant mode, "Chief your such a fucking faggot. You keep sucking Sangheili dick you gay bitch."

Chief pulled Cortana out of his head, shocked.

Her avatar appears under the chip Cortana's in.

"Da faq is wrong with you bra?"

Cortana back to normal replies, "I'm fine nothing to worry about."

Chief gets pissed, "Bitch, when I ask a question, you don't tell me nothing is fucking wrong."

Cortana sighs, "I was put into service eight years ago."

Chief replies, "...and your point is..."

Cortana hesitates then says, "A.I.'s deteriorate after seven Chief."

Chief replies, "...and i'm supposed to care because..."

"Chief it's not always about you!"

"Yes it is I'm the star of the game Byotch!"

"Dr. Halsey made me, remember?"

"Oh yeah, that old fucking hag. She can repair you right?"

"Yeah but just don't make a promise you can't keep."

"Okay I won't keep it."

Then finally Cortana replies, "You fucking asshole."

Then she sees two banshees and a phantom flies by in the sky (I rhymed :3).

Chief turns off her avatar (that's a movie :D ...okay i'll stop) and readies up his rifle.

_Hours later of everything...I don't know anymore._

Cortana replies, "I"m a clone of Dr. Halsey because she implanted her living tissue into me."

Chief answers, "So basically you had sex with each other."

Cortana said shocked, "What the fu- NO!"

"Well okay then."

Chief encountered the Covenant and they saw chief and the Covenant killed themselves because we already know who was going to win that fight.

"LOL" said Chief.

Cortana said to chief, "Ya know, we could always ask nicely to use their ship."

Chief answered in a low tone, "Fuck no!"

Cortana questioned, "What was the point of doing that in a low tone?"

Chief replied, "Because I felt like it bitch."

_Hours later of everything...wait...I already said that earlier._

So just because I'm a dick, I'm going to skip to the end of the level because It's all combat dialogue.

Anyways Cortana decided to access a terminal.

For some odd reason Cortana decided to be a dumb ass and let all the unknown forerunner aliens out.

Chief got all drama queen and complained that Cortana is a dumb ass.

One of the aliens roared at Chief.

He pointed his assault rifle at it and it teleported away.

All Chief said was 'pussy ass bitch'.

Cortana finally came to her senses and opened up a portal.

Chief grabbed 'that bitch' and got the fuck out.

_Okay i'll start working on the next one._


	4. 3: Forerunners Are Supposed To Be Dead

**Halo 4 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 3: Forerunners Are Supposed To Be Dead**

_Hello and welcome back to the story_

_p.s. __no more reviews? God dammit people what do I have to do to get you guys to laugh_

___p.p.s. sorry it took so long_

Chief and Bitch teleported some the fuck where.

Oh yeah!

Their in the middle of the planet.

dsakjfkasfkakfldhkfhaslkdfja...oh sorry.

I was board.

Anyways, Chief questioned, "What the hell were those things?"

Cortana replies, "Some sort of advanced defense AIs.

Related to the Sentinels, I'm guessing, but it's hard to say without a closer look."

Chief said out of the blue, "I want one. I want it to be named Bob."

Cortana was like Da faq bro.

Chief entered a platform inside Requiem's core and a hollow sphere of gigantic proportions whatever the hell that means.

Chief walked to the console and inserted that dick, I mean Cortana.

Chief questioned, "Where is Outfinity?"

She replies, "This Requiem's Core all right, but Outfinity is not here."

Well duh their outside of the planet.

Cortana points at a hologram, "That satellite in the center is amplifying the ship's broadcasts like a relay."

Chief answers, "Can we call them."

Cortana replies, "Well those beams that are connected to the satellite is creating an interference so we can't contact them."

Chief got pissed.

"Okay I'm opening you a portal to the first pylon." said Cortana.

Chief pulled her out of the console and inserted her back into his helmet.

Chief went through the portal and appeared in a hallway.

Chief questioned, "Is the first pylon?"

Cortana started laughing, "Fuck no! You think that I would make this easy for you."

Chief pulled out Cortana's chip, threw it on the ground, and crushed it.

Then like on GTA (Grand Theft Auto) it said "Wasted" like you died or something.

Just kidding!

Chief is too much of a pussy to kill that bitch, but she did make chief teleport far away from the first pylon.

Chief got pissed (lol like he already is).

Chief saw these four legged creatures and then they ran off.

"God dammit" said Chief.

Chief keeps walking and then those four legged creatures come back and start shooting at Chief.

Chief killed them and said, "You see Cortana this is why we can't be friends."

She questioned, "Why is that?"

"Because you don't help me or give me any advice on what to do."

Cortana yelled, "I'VE BEEN HELPING YOU SINCE WE DISCOVERED DAHALO!"

"Yeah...but I'm starting to miss your annoyance."

Cortana blushed, "Aww that's sweet."

Then Chief said, "Can it bitch!"

"Asshole!"

_Minutes later._

Chief found a button and pressed it (retarded laugh: hahahaahahha).

After when Chief walked across the bridge or light bridge, God its just a mother fucking bridge.

A random "thing" jumped right on chief...you know what SPOILER ALERT it's a Promethean knight.

It roared in his face.

Chief put one hand on his face and pulled out some tic-tacs and threw them at the knight.

"Damn you need a breath mint."

Then the knight teleported away.

_Hours later._

Chief took out the two pylons after going through Prometheans and Covenant fighting for no reason what so ever.

By the way a lot of static from Outfinity, but we don't give a fuck now don't we.

Chief when through another portal.

Chief couldn't believe it...he saw the Halo: Nightfall coming to a theater near you (jk lol).

Chief saw a random ball in the middle and of course the two species fighting each other.

He made it to the pillars and put his hand on it (that's gay).

He questioned, "Outfinity! This is Sierra-117 of the UNSC Backward Unto Dusk. Do you copy?"

The random ball thing mocked Chief and it sounded distorted.

The Sphere rose and Cortana told chief to let go of the two pillars and this and that and fuck.

Chief said, "Find us and exit."

Cortana replied, "Don't wait on my account..."

By the way the nut (ball) is called Cryptum.

A thing came out of the Cryptum ship (this is getting very gay).

Hey it's a forerunner and his name is Didact.

Supposedly the Didact waved his hand around and the Prometheans (which are now fucking robots) went from blue to orange.

Chief was being held up by the Didact by some gravitational shit with his hand.

Didact said to chief with no fucking care in the world, "This tomb is now yours."

He threw chief at a wall and he fell to the floor.

Then there was a slipspace rupture and OMG SO MUCH ORANGE.

After like five minutes of Cortana trying to wake Chief up he finally woke up after getting knocked the fuck out.

Chief grabbed a ghost went through a portal.

After he went through with the ghost he almost fell off a cliff (dammit).

He's see's a big giant ship.

It's Outfinity, and after skipping a lot of shit about them founding the fucking hole that led into the planet, who cares.

The captain of the ship who is Del Rio said, "Mayday! Mayday! This is the captain of the UNSC Outfinity. Unknown entity has seized control of our ship! We're without power, and on a collision course with an unidentified Forerunner planet!"

Chief told Cortana to track its decent.

Cortana replied, "Marking. Impact predicted 77.8 kilometers due north." (damn how did I remember that)

Cryptum rose below the cliff edge, and followed Outfinity.

Cortana says, "You know where he's heading..."

Chief replies annoyed, "Yup and I have to follow it."

Then Chief kept walking and ran into the camera man.

_This was a long one *coughs* that's what she said. Thanks for reading! :DDDDDDDDDD_


	5. Chapter 4: Outfinity

**Halo 4 Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 4: Outfinity**

_Hey i'm back...again now let's do some funneh  
_

The scene opens up on a jungle (DOGE ALERT: so green) an it pans down to Chief.

Cortana says to Chief, "Stay low, recon sortie heading this way."

Phantoms and Banshees flew over John's position.

Chief turned around and saw the crashed Outfinity ship.

He saw Didact's ship "Cryptum" scanning Outfinity while Banshees fly toward the crashed ship.

Cortana replies, "The ship looks intact."

Queef I mean Chief replied, "I think the Didact wanted that way, ho!"

Lasky says over the com in a retarded voice, "Irm a Commander!"

Chief questioned, "Da faq?"

The Lasky continued, "Does anyone read?"

Chief shook it off and answered, "This is Sierra 117 of the UNSC Backward Unto Dusk. We're on station, ready to fuck."

Lasky replied, "Negative copy, sounded like you said 'Backward Unto Dusk'? Come again-"

Cortana says, "The signal is fucking up. I can't clean it up."

Chief sighs, "Lazy bitch. Anyways, light up their friend-or-foe tags; we're gonna need something to zero on in."

More banshees fly toward Outfinity (jeez calm down enemy).

Cortana continues, "I'm seeing multiple IFF tags below the tree line."

Chief questioned, "What's a IFF tag?"

Cortana replied annoyed, "You've got to be kidding!"

"No. I'm not."

Don't feel like explaining because I don't care because I'm tired of typing books, but I fucking want to.

Do you people know how it feels to not do something, but you want to do it anyways?

What the winter hell?!

I keep going of topic...yet again!

Chief makes his way down through the fog-laden jungle.

Del Rio says something, but I don't feel like typing it.

So, instead of typing that you readers are going to think about pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows and a mother fucking majestic potato. :3

Now back to the story lol.

_A few hours later fighting Promethean robots._

Chief finds a door and it opens (retard laugh heheheheh).

I already used that joke already.

... ... ... ...Okay I got one.

Chief finds a door to a Forerunner structure and it opens and along came a pink butterfly.

There we go!

Marines are revealed inside.

Three Spartan-IVs emerge and survey the area (there are more spartans now, what the geriatric fuck).

Lasky approaches Chief.

He starts off, "Afraid we're gonna have to give you an IOU on that welcome home party." (Dammit)

They shake hands.

The door closes after Palmer says to the other Spartans, "Seal 'er up."

She looks at Chief and says, "I thought you'd be taller."

Chief got horny all of a sudden, which went away when Cortana became a bitch again.

Del Rio and Lasky is talking on a radio.

Yeah, I decided to skip that part.

Anyways, Del Rio is an asshole.

He probably has an ass and a hole for a face HAHAHAHAHA! (Ba dum tiss.)

Del Rio signs off on the radio and Cortana questioned, "You were sent on a scouting run in the middle of an attack on the ship?"

Lasky replies, "The Captain thought Outfinity could provide us cover and hold off the attack at the same time."

Then Palmer who is the leader of the new generation of spartans said to Lasky, "Sir, we'll never get the wounded back to the ship on foot."

Lasky silently agrees.

Then we walked to Chief and told him about the plan that he thought up himself.

"I don't suppose you're any good at clearing LZs?"

Chief replies, "Bro, I can do anything!"

Cortana interrupts, "No your not! You can't even be social with anyone." (OOOOH that's got to hurt.)

_A few minutes of killing Prometheans later._

Chief found locked doors and inserted that di- I mean Cortana in the pedestal near the entrance.

Me annoyed with sarcasm: More Prometheans. Yaaay.

Chief questioned to Cortana, "Cortana? How close are we?"

Cortana replies in rampant mode, "YOU DO YOUR JOB AND I'LL DO MINE, YOU COCKBITE!"

Chief got over it because he was to occupied kicking some serious ass.

The doors opened and Chief grabbed Cortana and she replies, "I'm sorrt about back there. That hatch's security was more difficult than I expected."

Chief actually said something in a calm way, "It's alright."

Cortana replies and she sounds distorted, "It's not alright. Nothing about it is alright."

Chief sighs, "Jeez calm down."

Cortana was shocked that Chief discovered the Prometheans and the Covenant were working together, but we knew that was going to happen.

Fucking Forerunner religious bitches.

_Later__..._

Chief cleared the L.Z.

Chief got the fuck out of the jungle.

He got in a tank and blew shit up.

Then he went inside Outfinity.

Del Rio noticed and call Chief on the com, "Chief you pick a hell of a time to join us."

Chief replied, "Yup now get the fuck over it."

Del Rio mentioned a mantis vehicle and Chief was all like O_O

"OMG OMG OMG WHERE IS IT!"

Del Rio replied, "I don't fucking know. I may be Captain, but I just stay here in the bridge not even caring what the hell is going on."

After a few hours Chief found the Mantis (Red VS Blue moment: FRECKLES).

Chief made it outside shot at the ship that Didact was in.

He was like screw this and left.

Yay we won...for now.

_Thanks for reading :D_


End file.
